Saturday, March 21, 2009

To the little light we lost today

I didn’t know that love could grow so quickly. Or so unexpectedly. You caught us by surprise—we were stunned, in fact—but you moved right into our hearts. You made me believe in miracles, to believe in the possibility of the impossible. You brought your father such happiness and hope at a time when we were both so unsure of anything but our love for each other. I’ve never seen him smile the way he smiled when I told him about you. It was hard for us to keep this secret.

You changed everything in just a few short weeks. We started to see our other child in such a different light: He was suddenly a big brother, no longer the baby, now the protector and the teacher and the grown-up boy. I started imagining how we’d rearrange furniture to accommodate a bassinet and a swing. We thought up cute ways to tell our families and friends, and we giggled over their reactions. We started thinking in terms of four, no longer three. You were going to complete the plan.

It was too good to be true—and too fast. One minute I was getting used to the idea of an only child, then adjusting to the idea of two, and now just thanking God for the beautiful boy we do have. One minute I was wondering how he would react to news of a little brother or sister; the next minute I was dreading telling him that it was a mistake, that there was no little brother or sister. One minute I was lying on the bed in the guest room, envisioning it in pale pink; the next I was lying on a too-short bed in the emergency room, trying to will you into surviving. One minute I could picture your face and imagine holding your tiny hand; the next I wondered if you really never existed, if I just wanted you so badly that you became real in my mind only. One minute I saw your heartbeat; the next it was gone.

I was worried from the start, too worried about foolish things, and I’m afraid even now that I worried you away. I’m sorry, so sorry I couldn’t hold on to you in my womb. But I promise to hold you forever in my heart, right next to the other loves I have lost. We will not forget you, little light. We’ll carry you always in our dreams.

2 comments:

Christy said...

Oh honey, that was so honest and beautiful that it hurt to read it. Totally inadequate to say "I'm sorry" but I am so very sorry for the loss you and C has suffered. I truly believe that in some dimension, that little light is glowing in your mother's arms while it glows in your broken heart here. Tom and I are thinking of you and C, hoping that the passing of time will bring healing to your hearts. If there is anything you need, I am here for you.

jennifer bauman said...

I am so so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything.