Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Living la vida porno: A book review

I know you're going to say, um, TallGirl, this doesn't strike me as your sorta read. It's not. But in the coming months, my book club will be "discussing" (and I use that term loosely, because usually we just get together to eat, drink, and gossip about the neighbors) How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale (Jenna Jameson, 2004), so I thought I'd give it a whirl. After all, it's enriching to read stuff outside the usual fare, right?

Alas, I stopped reading this one about halfway through, and I just returned it to the library dropbox (in the hopes of avoiding the librarians' judgmental stares...that's a post for another day, for sure!). I didn't hate the book, nor was it poorly written, but I found after about 300 pages that I just didn't really care. At all. Here's the gist:
  • Jameson's life story is extremely predictable, but terribly sad -- lost her mom at age 2, her dad was unavailable emotionally and married a few wackos; she entered a bad relationship as a teen, which led to rape and drug addiction; she discovers her talent for stripping after a brief stint as a showgirl (like her mother) doesn't work out. She makes a ton o' money stripping, finally feels empowered, starts posing for magazines, meets a few hot lady lovers on the way, gets into porno acting, and voila...a star is born. (I only made it as far as her entree into gonzo films, then skimmed around a little in the later chapters. No real surprises.)
  • Heterosexual married ladies are not the intended audience -- the majority of the (explicit) sex scenes are girl-girl, which leads me to believe Ms. Jameson knows exactly the demographic of her readers. Duh, of course she does.
  • Why is this book 600 pages? She's only 34 years old, for pete's sake...has the woman even lived long enough to warrant such paper?
  • Wait for the movie...oh, no, that's right, the movies are already available -- I'm pretty sure everything you need to learn about making love like a porn star you can learn from one of Ms. Jameson's videos -- and without as much time invested.

Although the title is effectively a misnomer (yet attention grabbing, I admit), beyond getting some good advice on how to give a b.j. and how to avoid getting screwed (pun intended) by the porn industry, I did learn a few helpful tips from this book:
  • Use Noxema to shave your "area" instead of shaving cream, as this will reduce shave bumps.
  • If you ever see an ad for models that leads you to a strange hotel address, think earnestly about your life goals before you knock on that hotel room door.
  • You can lose a lot of weight very quickly by smoking meth (though it does a job on other aspects of your life) -- and your house will be squeaky clean.
  • Marilyn Manson really likes anal sex -- a tidbit that will come in handy for most of us, oh, NEVER!
  • If you're going to take a book about a porn queen out of the local library, expect it to be missing some pages (and consider wearing gloves while reading it).
As stated, I didn't love the book, but I didn't hate it. I did think the creative use of diary entries, comic book pages, and tips lists added a bit of fun to an otherwise bleak and predictable life story.

And I do have to give props to Jameson for making the most of a terribly rough life. I mean, her dreams may not have been the same as mine, but she kept them in sight and did whatever it took to reach them. She knows how to market herself, and now she's a bajillionaire adored (or lusted after?) by millions with her own product empire, so she deserves our respect, despite whether you agree with her lifestyle and choices.

1 comment:

Meg said...

Wait, are we really reading this? I mean, I'm not going to, but is it on the list?

Anyway, thanks for the review -- now I can save myself 600 freakin' pages. I mean, really, if you can't get the hang of it after the first 200, I just don't think you'll ever be making love like a porn star.